March 18th

Several days before the dreaded 41st birthday. Fuck I hate the number 4. It is an ugly number. Crawling deeper into the pit of 40 has me glum. I know it is just a number - at least that is what the strategic Dove campaign keeps telling me. If I was where I wanted to be physically I could believe that. I don't mean to sound like a jerk. I just think that it is a hell of a lot easier to believe all that " love you for you " crap when you are the you that you want to be . If you are striving or wishing to look different then it just rings hollow. Although there are days when you can fool yourself into believing it ! The days when you really want that piece of chocolate. Today was a shitty day at school. Some of my kids thought it would be so much fun to step in red paint and then run all over the halls and into the bathroom. And you know , it would probably be somewhat cute if they were 5 or even 6 - but the fact that they are 13 made it really fucking stupid. This too will pass. The glass of red wine in my hand is helping.
I am just feeling really unsettled and I am not really sure why. It could be the weather. It could be the fact that I wish that I had a lot more money. It could be that I know I should be at the gym right now. It could be because I do not feel like myself. It could be because I am in some sort of pathetic midlife crisis thing. I seriously looked in the mirror yesterday and wondered who the hell was looking back at me. I need to lock myself away somewhere and come to terms with whatever it is . I am not fun to be around right now!